#londonstandstall and so should I…or me vs. anxiety the wash down.

NOTE: I actually wrote this on Wednesday 22nd of March 2017, in the evening after the attack at Westminster Bridge and The Parliament. 


London Olympic Park and off I went for a swim.

Its been a sad, weird and day stressful day for Londoners.

A large scale incident that might put in risk the life of those I love is one of my biggest fears.  Big enough to make stop daddy D and lill guy from coming to the Royal Parks Half Marathon last year, even though all I wanted was to see their faces and hug then at the finishing line.

That is a fear I had to work hard to overcome during cbt earlier this year and I can only say thank goodness my anxiety had been under control for a while now.

Seeing what happened today, so close to home, brought up so many emotions.

I was lucky to be at work, where I am too busy to browse one news channel after the other.

I managed to keep calm and don’t go into that dark place in my head where everything is a catastrophe but deep inside,  I could feel the anxiety trying to creep up on me. My heart rate was weird and my mind overpopulated.

It was an exhausting day and it felt like I used ALLLL my energy just to keep calm but I am happy and proud I made it through.

I had invasive food thoughts and didn’t binge, I had fast heart beat and my brain was in over drive but there was no panic attack.

Getting through a day like that and still be able to cope felt like a victory, something to show me the therapist was definitely right when she discharged me from treatment and wrote to me to say I was in full recovery.

To close the day a half ass 600m in the pool and off home for some sleep, much needed sleep.



No selfie filter,  thank you 

Have you ever got upset over a selfie that doesn’t look quite like you were hoping for? It showed those dark circles around the eyes? Did you forget to put make up on and thought,  how did I even leave the house like that?

Every minute of the day we get bombarded with fake images that have been edited and manipulated to “improve the end result”.  So far that was a “luxury” reserved to magazine and tv models but what if I told you said tools are available to your finger tips?

For a while now I’ve had a nagging feeling about the “selfie filter” on my smart phone.  It’s almost as though retouching is now mandatory.  What is so offensive about people’s real image after all? Are people really so used to the fake stuff that they can no longer handle seeing my face in a photo if it hasn’t been modified?

BB cream and lippy on the left, filters 1, 2 and 3 to the right.

I know I’m no model but I’d like to think that even if I was repulsive – which I am fully aware it is not case – still I should be allowed to go about my day without feeling the pressure to “beautify myself ” before I can show my face in public.

There is a very fine line between putting your make up on to feel prettier and not being able to love yourself otherwise.

Am I the only one who finds absurd weird that in times when groups of consumers are waking up for the effect that retouched magazines has over teenagers (and fully grown women) all over the world,  such a filter is so accessible to everyone who owns a phone?

Now a teenager not only has to compete against that unrealistic body from tv but he/she also has to compete against their own retouched images.

Whats is it with the world that different industries seems to think we can no longer handle reality?

During the screening of Embrace – earlier this month – I watched the story of this amazing photographer who loaded her body until she took pictures of herself,  unique details and all.

In that spirit,  when shooting a few poses to show off my new hairdo, I too have decided to go real. My skin is blemish and I have dark circles under me  eyes as parents don’t sleep much. My face is round as I am a recovering eating disorder patient…


No make up as I haven’t got the patience or the skills for that and no filter as they don’t show those little details that make me who I am.