Bad mummy?

We are going through challenging times with out little one. He will be 5 in just over a month and it seems this age is the new terrible twos.

There’s so much tension, so much stress that at times it’s hard not to question my skills as a parent…I also seem to question Daddy D’s skills a lot of the time which,  in term, will cause a whole other type of conflict.

Recently lill guy has started to show some signs of anxiety which I recognize only because I suffered with those myself, during my teenage years. Some might say that’s part of growing up, I of course understand that but as someone who spent most of life worrying about issues that were completely out of my control and developed great anxiety around a number of things, seeing my child potentially suffering with the same problem feels like a nightmare.

As a mental health patient and knowing how a lot of my life long issues come from unresolved childhood problems I am always too conscious about confrontation….that put together with all the advice out there (wanted or not), I have been going through days of constant self doubt and just generalized despair that I will end up raising an unhappy person full of negative self belief – jut like mummy.

Where do you draw the line? Is disciplining more important than just having a good laugh? Why are we doing so badly? How come all the other families seem to have their shit together? They work their jobs, ,they can afford their holidays, they seem to have date nights and still find in themselves to run around the park with their children.

I know we live in a world where people will mostly share the fun side of live and kinda hind the bad stuff and that can easily let you feeling like you are failing but, at the same time, I do catch myself feeling very grumpy on a family outing and rather content when out for a run by myself .

Is that what parenthood is? The eternal pursuit of imaginary and unrealistic goals?

One thing is for sure, I miss my gentle and cuddly little guy who – just months ago – would melt away in gratitude for anything I done for him and seemed really happy to just spend time with me. If its like that now, I wonder what teenage years have in store for us.

There you go, no wise word to end this post I’m afraid…just frustration and self doubt.

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Redemption

redemption

Dear body,

Sorry for all the awful things I have said and done to you in the past.

I was such a bitch and you DID NOT deserve that.

I’d like you to know that you are beautiful and strong. I love that you a healthy and capable of so much, I mean, you have made and given birth to the most precious boy on earth!

I promise I’ll be really good to you from now on, like you deserve.

You are fabulous and I LOVE YOU

Warm regards,

Aida (HOT ASS MAMA)