Bad mummy?

We are going through challenging times with out little one. He will be 5 in just over a month and it seems this age is the new terrible twos.

There’s so much tension, so much stress that at times it’s hard not to question my skills as a parent…I also seem to question Daddy D’s skills a lot of the time which,  in term, will cause a whole other type of conflict.

Recently lill guy has started to show some signs of anxiety which I recognize only because I suffered with those myself, during my teenage years. Some might say that’s part of growing up, I of course understand that but as someone who spent most of life worrying about issues that were completely out of my control and developed great anxiety around a number of things, seeing my child potentially suffering with the same problem feels like a nightmare.

As a mental health patient and knowing how a lot of my life long issues come from unresolved childhood problems I am always too conscious about confrontation….that put together with all the advice out there (wanted or not), I have been going through days of constant self doubt and just generalized despair that I will end up raising an unhappy person full of negative self belief – jut like mummy.

Where do you draw the line? Is disciplining more important than just having a good laugh? Why are we doing so badly? How come all the other families seem to have their shit together? They work their jobs, ,they can afford their holidays, they seem to have date nights and still find in themselves to run around the park with their children.

I know we live in a world where people will mostly share the fun side of live and kinda hind the bad stuff and that can easily let you feeling like you are failing but, at the same time, I do catch myself feeling very grumpy on a family outing and rather content when out for a run by myself .

Is that what parenthood is? The eternal pursuit of imaginary and unrealistic goals?

One thing is for sure, I miss my gentle and cuddly little guy who – just months ago – would melt away in gratitude for anything I done for him and seemed really happy to just spend time with me. If its like that now, I wonder what teenage years have in store for us.

There you go, no wise word to end this post I’m afraid…just frustration and self doubt.

#londonstandstall and so should I…or me vs. anxiety the wash down.

NOTE: I actually wrote this on Wednesday 22nd of March 2017, in the evening after the attack at Westminster Bridge and The Parliament. 

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London Olympic Park and off I went for a swim.

Its been a sad, weird and day stressful day for Londoners.

A large scale incident that might put in risk the life of those I love is one of my biggest fears.  Big enough to make stop daddy D and lill guy from coming to the Royal Parks Half Marathon last year, even though all I wanted was to see their faces and hug then at the finishing line.

That is a fear I had to work hard to overcome during cbt earlier this year and I can only say thank goodness my anxiety had been under control for a while now.

Seeing what happened today, so close to home, brought up so many emotions.

I was lucky to be at work, where I am too busy to browse one news channel after the other.

I managed to keep calm and don’t go into that dark place in my head where everything is a catastrophe but deep inside,  I could feel the anxiety trying to creep up on me. My heart rate was weird and my mind overpopulated.

It was an exhausting day and it felt like I used ALLLL my energy just to keep calm but I am happy and proud I made it through.

I had invasive food thoughts and didn’t binge, I had fast heart beat and my brain was in over drive but there was no panic attack.

Getting through a day like that and still be able to cope felt like a victory, something to show me the therapist was definitely right when she discharged me from treatment and wrote to me to say I was in full recovery.

To close the day a half ass 600m in the pool and off home for some sleep, much needed sleep.

 

Redemption

redemption

Dear body,

Sorry for all the awful things I have said and done to you in the past.

I was such a bitch and you DID NOT deserve that.

I’d like you to know that you are beautiful and strong. I love that you a healthy and capable of so much, I mean, you have made and given birth to the most precious boy on earth!

I promise I’ll be really good to you from now on, like you deserve.

You are fabulous and I LOVE YOU

Warm regards,

Aida (HOT ASS MAMA)

No selfie filter,  thank you 

Have you ever got upset over a selfie that doesn’t look quite like you were hoping for? It showed those dark circles around the eyes? Did you forget to put make up on and thought,  how did I even leave the house like that?

Every minute of the day we get bombarded with fake images that have been edited and manipulated to “improve the end result”.  So far that was a “luxury” reserved to magazine and tv models but what if I told you said tools are available to your finger tips?

For a while now I’ve had a nagging feeling about the “selfie filter” on my smart phone.  It’s almost as though retouching is now mandatory.  What is so offensive about people’s real image after all? Are people really so used to the fake stuff that they can no longer handle seeing my face in a photo if it hasn’t been modified?

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BB cream and lippy on the left, filters 1, 2 and 3 to the right.

I know I’m no model but I’d like to think that even if I was repulsive – which I am fully aware it is not case – still I should be allowed to go about my day without feeling the pressure to “beautify myself ” before I can show my face in public.

There is a very fine line between putting your make up on to feel prettier and not being able to love yourself otherwise.

Am I the only one who finds absurd weird that in times when groups of consumers are waking up for the effect that retouched magazines has over teenagers (and fully grown women) all over the world,  such a filter is so accessible to everyone who owns a phone?

Now a teenager not only has to compete against that unrealistic body from tv but he/she also has to compete against their own retouched images.

Whats is it with the world that different industries seems to think we can no longer handle reality?

During the screening of Embrace – earlier this month – I watched the story of this amazing photographer who loaded her body until she took pictures of herself,  unique details and all.

In that spirit,  when shooting a few poses to show off my new hairdo, I too have decided to go real. My skin is blemish and I have dark circles under me  eyes as parents don’t sleep much. My face is round as I am a recovering eating disorder patient…

 

No make up as I haven’t got the patience or the skills for that and no filter as they don’t show those little details that make me who I am.

 

 

Slowly but surely

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I’ve been feeling really low these last two days. Yesterday the plan was to do half an hour of high intensity dance followed by a full yoga session.Usually, nothing cheers me up more than a good dancing session but after 15 minutes or so i just had to drop it. I wasn’t feeling it at all. My body was heavy and mood just wouldn’t improve.

That was followed by a quick stretching session and 10 minutes of HeadSpace (even that didn’t really go to plan).

For the rest of the day i just felt blue and now there’s this overwhelming feeling that – despite my best efforts – SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is hanging around just waiting to kick in.

Today the plan was to go for another power walk and I stuck with it but my pace just wasn’t there. I’m doing my best not to be too harsh on myself and focus on the fact that I made it to the park no matter what.

With the Royal Parks Half 11 days away, it’s hard not to focus on performance but I’m sticking with it.Hopefully is the time of the month or something of the sort and I just have to make through it.

In 11 days I shall be celebrating 3 months binge free and will do it so in style, finishing my first ever half marathon, I’m hoping that helps me keeping the mood in check and hopefully, my place on CBT will come up soon.